What is Digital Dating Abuse?
Definitions, Examples, and Warning Signs
Dating violence is unfortunately a common issue for many teens and young adults. While parents/caregivers and youth-serving professionals may be knowledgeable about some of the more common forms of dating violence, most adults are less familiar with how dating violence can play out in online spaces. This post will review definitions, examples, and warning signs of digital dating abuse and provide caring adults with a solid overview of what to look out for.
Digital Dating Abuse Definition
Digital dating abuse occurs when a current or former dating partner uses technology to repeatedly harass their partner with the intent to control, coerce, intimidate, annoy, or threaten them.
Two key points from this definition are:
Technology - technology can mean several different things including using a phone, text messaging, using tracking on a phone, or using social media platforms, such as Instagram, Tik Tok, Snapchat, etc.
Repeatedly - All dating violence, including digital dating abuse, is a pattern. These are behaviors that happen more than once over a period of time. They’re not a misunderstanding or a one-off thing that can be chalked up to a miscommunication. These are things that are happening over and over across time.
Digital dating abuse is under the umbrella of teen dating violence and there are typically five types of dating violence:
Physical
Mental/Emotional
Sexual
Financial
Digital
Digital dating abuse is a part of the bigger picture when it comes to an abusive relationship. Research has shown that when young people report that they're experiencing digital dating abuse, they're also experiencing something that's happening in real life or in face-to-face interactions as well. So it's important to consider digital dating abuse as a part of a larger pattern of behaviors. It typically is not just happening in isolation. There is a chance that the abusive behaviors start in a digital space, especially because young people are so active when it comes to technology and social media, but often things are happening in person as well.
The other thing to keep in mind about dating violence in general is that things aren't all bad all the time. Typically there's a period where things are really happy and going smoothly. There's a period where tension is building and things start to feel off. And then there's an abusive incident. The incident might be something like name calling, a big blow up fight, or a surge of jealousy. And then there's a honeymoon period where the person will apologize and say, "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. And this will never happen again." And then the cycle continues.
What can also be tricky is that these incidents can be far apart. The periods of the honeymoon phase, when things are going well, and can be pretty long in between when the incidents occur. The cyclical nature of abuse can be one reason that someone may stay in a relationship that is abusive. They focus on the good times and consider the abusive incidents as out of the ordinary.
Digital Abuse Examples
Teens and young adults are native technology users and their phones and social media are a huge part of their lives. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but it might be a part of their lives that's less visible to the caring adults that are around them. When it comes to digital dating abuse, it is really helpful to know what it looks like so caring adults can have an idea of what to look out for and offer support.
There are three main types of digital dating abuse: digital monitoring and control, direct digital aggression, and digital sexual coercion. Here are a few examples of each.
Digital Monitoring and Control
Pressure to respond quickly to calls, texts, or other messages
Monitoring a partner’s whereabouts and activities
Sending so many messages it made a partner feel uncomfortable
Monitoring who my partner talks to and is/was friends with
Pressure for passwords to access cell phone or online accounts
Using private information to check on partner without permission
Direct Digital Aggression
Sharing embarrassing content with others without consent
Sending a mean or hurtful private message
Posting a mean or hurtful public message using social media
Spreading a rumor about partner
Threatening to harm partner physically
Using a cell phone or online account to pretend to be partner
Using information on social network sites to tease partner
Digital Sexual Coercion
Pressure for a partner to sext
Sending a sexual or naked photo of self to partner without consent
Sending a sexual or naked photo of partner to others without consent
Pressure for a partner to have sex/other sexual activity
Online Dating Violence Warning Signs
In addition to the behaviors mentioned above, here are some additional warning signs of digital dating abuse:
The young person is suddenly extremely nervous or worried about being away from their phone. This might indicate that they are worried they’re upsetting their partner by not responding right away or they’re feeling pressured to answer in a certain amount of time.
The young person is isolating themselves from friends, family, or activities that they have typically enjoyed. Isolation keeps people from reaching out for help or sharing what's going on with them.
They mention anything related to threats, put downs, or that their partner checks their phone or their social media. Additionally, if they brush off that type of behavior as “no big deal.” For example, they say things like, "well, we all share passwords" or, "I have to share my location with my partner because they just get jealous and get really worried about me."
You hear about negative comments, put downs, or hurtful things that are brushed off as just a joke. It could be “just a joke” or it could be part of a larger pattern. Often abusive people downplay and minimize hurtful comments and put the idea in their partner’s head that they should not feel upset.
Any big change in how they're using their phone or their social media. For example, abruptly deleting all their social media accounts or spending a lot more or a lot less time on their phone. It might be that they are feeling isolated from friends and so they're not texting or facetiming with them as much. Or it could be that they’re being bombarded with messages and feel pressured to be texting their partner back immediately.
It’s important to tread lightly and not immediately assume that someone is in an abusive relationship. Instead, you want to ask more questions, be curious and really understand the context of the whole relationship. Especially for those of us who didn’t grow up with smartphones or social media, it can sometimes be difficult to gauge what is normal, healthy behavior and what might be unhealthy or abusive.
One example of that might be that young people are texting back and forth 50 times a day. Someone who never had texting when they were young, might think 50 texts is A LOT of text messages. But for a young person, texting 50 times back and forth throughout the course of an entire day may not be that big of a deal.
It’s helpful to think about the whole context of a relationship. Are there other things that are controlling? Are there other things that cause a lot of stress and anxiety? Does someone feel like they have to be constantly plugged in? Do they feel isolated from friends or family?
Digital dating abuse is an often hidden form of teen dating violence that reflects larger dynamics of power and control. 30% of teens report experiencing digital dating abuse. Understanding the behaviors associated with it is critical for identifying abusive patterns that extend beyond just the digital space. For parents/caregivers and youth-serving professionals, it’s essential to consider the full context of a relationship and to engage in open, nonjudgmental conversations with young people. By being aware of the signs and fostering supportive environments, we can help teens navigate their relationships safely in the digital age.
Want to learn more? I have two workshops that delve more into teen dating violence and digital dating abuse. Contact me for more information and to schedule a live workshop.
