5 Things NOT to do When Teens Start Dating

Written By Kaleigh Cornelison

(and what to do instead)

 
 

As the back-to-school season is upon us, now is a great time to cover a sometimes-taboo topic - teen dating! I’m going to cover five things NOT to do when a teen in your life starts dating and what to do instead. 

This topic is relevant for parents and caregivers, but also for youth-serving professionals who work with teens and young adults in schools, in therapy settings, and community-based organizations. Teen relationships and dating can be a tricky topic for everyone. 

To set the stage - I'm a big believer that forming romantic relationships can be healthy and appropriate for adolescents. It’s not something that we should shy away from discussing. Plus, there are a couple of things that we can do to help young people navigate dating relationships successfully and in a healthy way. So here are 5 things NOT to do when teens start dating and what to do instead. 

 
 
 

1. Don’t Freak Out!

The first thing NOT to do when a teen starts dating is don't freak out. This is little more for the parents out there because I know that it can be a stressful time for them in particular. It can feel really scary when your teenage kiddo is not so little anymore and they are interested in dating and forming romantic relationships. As a reminder, this is totally developmentally appropriate. Dating is a typical part of adolescence and adolescence is the time for young people to take risks and try out new things. It's also developmentally appropriate for them to be separating a little bit from their family of origin, as much of a bummer that is for a lot of parents and caregivers. 

The best way to lose the line of communication between you and the teen that you're parenting or that you're working with, is to freak out about them starting to date. Instead, take it in stride and know that it's probably coming. Young people start dating at all sorts of different ages and it's better to expect it than to be surprised when it does start. 

Instead of freaking out, ask questions and be curious. Remain relaxed on the outside ( even if you don't feel that way on the inside) and remind them over and over that they can come to you with questions or for advice and resources. Let them know that they can get a referral to a therapist if that's what they need, or say, "I don't feel comfy talking to you about this, but I want to talk to this other caring adult in my life." (Setting up the roster of who those people are, can be another really good conversation to have with your young person. If you haven't done that already.)

Even if they're rolling their eyes or if it doesn't seem like they're hearing you when you repeat, "you can come to me, I want to know about this part of your life" - keep repeating it. That information will be stored somewhere back in their brain and if they're ever in a risky situation, hopefully they'll know that you can be the person they come to. 

Next, talk about healthy relationships in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. I love relating things to pop culture, so if you have a Swifty in your family, and you can casually start talking about Taylor and Travis and their relationship. Ask questions like: 

  • What seems healthy about it? 

  • What maybe seems unhealthy about it? 

  • How can you tell? 

  • Do they seem happy? 

You can also relate that conversation to people in your family, other celebrities, or when you're watching TV or movies together. You can also have the conversation more explicitly: 

  • So what do you think are the qualities of a healthy relationship? 

  • What are your relationship deal breakers?  

  • What would be something that would make you want to leave a relationship without question?

  • How do you give and get respect in a relationship? 

Many young people aren't thinking about many of these pieces yet. They're excited that they like someone and someone likes them back. They can figure out some of that as they go along but having conversations with a parent or a trusted adult can be really good practice for when they actually are in those situations.  

2. Do not assume the gender of the person that they're dating 

We know that adolescence is the time when young people are exploring identity, figuring out who they are, and figuring out who they like. Even if they've expressed interest in a person of a certain gender before, that can change at any time. We also don’t have to make it a big deal in terms of “coming out” with a particular identity or revealing that they're queer, bisexual, gay, or a lesbian. Those conversations are important and can come later. It’s possible that they're not ready to put a label on who they are. 

 
 

One simple thing to do is to try and use gender neutral pronouns when it comes to talking about who they might like to date.  For example, “If you're going to be in a relationship, what qualities might you want THEM to have?" Instead of saying he or she, just throw in that singular they/them.  

It’s also important to not assume who someone is going to date because they have a traditional gender expression. For example, let's say a young person identifies as a woman and they dress really feminine, they wear makeup and dress girly.  It could be easy to revert to stereotypes and assume they would be interested in boys because their gender expression is girly and feminine.  That's just not always the case. Try not to let the young person’s own gender expression color your expectation of who they want to date. 

3. Do not use scare tactics when it comes to sexual health 

Sexual health can be a tricky topic for both parents and professionals but they are vitally important. 

The best approach to take when it comes to sexual health is risk reduction. Risk reduction acknowledges the fact that young people engage in risk-taking behaviors. Risk-taking is developmentally appropriate, as scary as that can sometimes feel. The best thing we can do is to give adolescents the tools to take a less risky risk. 

Risk reduction for sexual health includes things like talking about birth control, condom use, emotional readiness, pleasure, and consent. If you don’t feel super comfortable having those conversations that's also okay. One thing you can do is educate yourself about those topics.  Another thing that you can do is refer to a professional or another trusted adult who does feel comfortable. 

It's never too early to have those conversations. Young people are already curious. 

We want to give them the information to engage in things in a healthy way. You can always emphasize the fact that the least risky thing to do is not to have sex at all. AND, if you choose to engage in sexual activity, here are the things that you can do to keep yourself safe. 

Another important piece is to be specific. For example, go beyond just saying "use protection."  As adults, we know what that means,  but young people might not. If you’re not comfortable getting super specific, there are so many good resources out there. Try resources like: 

Finally, don’t forget to talk about consent. Make sure that all young people know that if they are initiating sexual activity, it is their responsibility to be checking in with their partner, every single step of the way to make sure they're good with what they're doing next.  They should also ensure that they and their partner are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and are of sound mind to make those decisions.

4. Do not bad mouth their partner 

One way to quickly shut down the lines of communication is to bad mouth their dating partner.  Even if they have a hairstyle you don't like, maybe they have a parent that you don't like, or something else about them rubs you the wrong way - unless it's a warning sign of abuse, steer clear of saying anything negative.  

Ideally, we want to keep lines of communication open, and saying something negative is going to have the opposite effect.  Instead, try to be genuinely interested in the person that they're dating.  If you're a parent, you can invite them over and get to know them.  I love the idea of being the hangout house and making your home a welcoming place for young people to hang out, then you know where your teens are and what they're doing. Ultimately, if there are no warning signs of abusive behavior, try to be open to getting to know the teen’s dating partner. 

 
 

5. Don’t ignore relationship red flags 

I'm a huge fan of supporting young people in having healthy, age-appropriate, romantic relationships but unfortunately, not all of them end up on that healthy side of the spectrum. So there are definitely things to look out for if you have any concerns about abusive or controlling relationships. 

First, know that abusive relationships typically start with things like emotional and verbal abuse. And, especially for teens, we want to look out for digital dating abuse. Some behaviors to look out for include: 

  • Isolating the young person from their other friends or family

  • Keeping them from activities that they have typically enjoy

  • Put-downs 

  • Name-calling 

  • Intimidation 

  • Constant text messages 

  • Any attempts to control the other person 

Typically, abusive behaviors start in a very subtle way.  It can be helpful to first name the behavior that you’re concerned about instead of labeling someone as abusive. For example, "It seems like your partner is texting you nonstop.  Does that bother you?  Does that ever get annoying?  Does this happen all the time or is this just a random occurrence of this happening?" Try to get more information and keep those lines of communication flowing. 

If you do have emotional or physical safety concerns for the young person, you want to take steps to keep them safe and express those concerns to them. Some great resources on teen dating violence include: 

 
 

Navigating the world of teen dating can be challenging, but it's also an opportunity to guide young people toward healthy relationships. By fostering open communication, being supportive without judgment, and being aware of red flags, you can help teens feel empowered and informed as they explore their romantic lives. 

Need more support? Schedule a training on healthy relationships for teens, teen dating violence, or digital dating abuse. Each training is customized to your school or organization’s unique needs.

Kaleigh Cornelison
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